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I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
──人與超人 Man and Superman

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
──巴塞托所聆聽一八九○至九四年的倫敦音樂 The World (18 July 1894), Music in London 1890-1894

What a man believes may be ascertained, not from his creed, but from the assumptions on which he habitually acts.
──給革命者的箴言 Maxims for Revolutionists

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.
──人與超人 Man and Superman

When will we realize that the fact that we can become accustomed to anything, however disgusting at first, makes it necessary to examine carefully everything we have become accustomed to.
──《父母與子女專題研究》(A Treatise on Parents and Children)

The vilest abortionist is he who attempts to mould a child’s character.
──《給革命者的箴言》(Maxims for the Revolutionists)

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
──《巴巴拉上校》(Major Barbara)

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
──凱撒與克麗奧佩特拉 Caesar and Cleopatra

Science becomes dangerous only when it imagines that it has reached its goal.
──《醫生的兩難》(The Doctor’s Dilemma)

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
──給革命者的箴言 Maxims for Revolutionists

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
──《婚姻》(Getting Married)

The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing.
──《婚姻》(Getting Married)

Nothing is more dreadful than a husband who keeps telling you everything he thinks, and always wants to know what you think.
──《婚姻》(Getting Married)

Those who talk most about the blessings of marriage and the constancy of its vows are the very people who declare that if the chain were broken and the prisoners left free to choose, the whole social fabric would fly asunder. You cannot have the argument both ways. If the prisoner is happy, why lock him in? If he is not, why pretend that he is?
讚美婚姻並對堅貞婚約侃侃而談的人,也宣稱婚姻的鎖鏈不得斬斷,以免已婚人士重獲自由,使整個社會落得四分五裂。問題是這說不通。 如果已婚者很快樂,何必套牢他?若他不快樂,又何必假裝開心?
──人與超人 Man and Superman

My way of joking is telling the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
──《英國佬的另一個島》(John Bull’s Other Island)

※ 本文摘自《真相,是世上最荒誕的笑話:蕭伯納精言集》立即前往試讀